my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
