I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
