Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
