i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i believe in u and ur pee
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