it's too hot outside to masturbate.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
