Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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