nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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