I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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