i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
