My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
