Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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