I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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