proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
