Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
