I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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