i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
