Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
