I wannas sexs uuuuu
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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