We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
