I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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