I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
