I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
