Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
