what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
