if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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