and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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