Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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