Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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