we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
