The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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