I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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