I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
