I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
