now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
