No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Someone signed my nipple.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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