Pappa wants mamma naked
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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