I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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