you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
