even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
