i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
