He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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