im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
