i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
