I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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