Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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