you traded sex for a burrito?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
