you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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