I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
