You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
