My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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