my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
